I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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