Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
