If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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