he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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