I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
