Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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