dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just gargled with NyQuil
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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