I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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