this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
