Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
