Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize