Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
only you would photoshop your dick
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
