Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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