you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
