I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
