And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
