she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
