some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
