Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
