He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
