Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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