You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
