now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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