Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
