im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize