new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
