Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
