I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Acid is not a monday night drug
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
