Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
