You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
