I need to stop coming to work sober
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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