my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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