You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
