So drunk its hurt
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
