This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
