U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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