On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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