The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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