On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
