I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
