you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
