Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
