I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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