My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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