What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
