Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
