I'm so fucking centered right now
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
