I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
