you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
