would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
