I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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