My balls are so social today.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
