Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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