Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
