I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
