Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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