Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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