I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
