I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
