if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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