my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
