i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
