3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
