You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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