Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
