Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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