I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Operation Purity has been aborted
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
