I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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